Wednesday, 30 May 2012
i was told 3 years ago that there was a chance that my problem could spread to other areas of my spine. this is after all, similar, if not a part, of arthritis, and arthritis can spread rather easily. so now i need to go back to my useless GP and ask him to take a look and possibly send me for an x-ray on my upper spine.
lately i feel like i have so much weight on my shoulders. i can no longer take the pills i was put on to control my panic attacks, as it made me so ill. it was probably a combination of the pills, the recent bout of the Nora virus, and the anxiety that caused me to experience severe stomach pains and vomit blood.
however i have recently received my new wheelchair, and it is alot more comfortable than my last one, and slightly lighter making it easier to get out of the car. but lately i feel embarrassed to be seen in public in a wheelchair. in booths yesterday, we bumped into someone vicky new, and she said that she didnt know i had to use a chair now, and wished me well, which was nice of her. but i felt so small, almost like i was on display. i guess i am just not used to it. i feel like i stand out in a crown. but what gets me so very angry, is arrogant people in supermarkets who simply will not give me any room to manoeuvre, thats if they even acknowledge that i am there. i got hit with a trolley by an old man, who didnt even apologise. just because im in a chair, doesnt mean i am invisible!
Friday, 18 May 2012
soon after this, the diarrhoea kicked (i apologise if you are just sitting down to dinner, if so, come back later and carry on reading). i then started to live on the toilet, i couldnt bare going up and down the stairs, over and over again. and just when i thought it couldnt get any worse, i started to feel sick, and i mean really sick!
after lying in bed for a couple of hours, knowing that i didnt stand any chance of getting to sleep, i decided id rather watch a bit of crappy night time telly, than stare at the bedroom ceiling. so on the way down, i took another journey to the bathroom. after doing the usual, i could feel myself wrenching. so i quickly took the position. then it came. it began as just a bit of bile, but this soon changed. when i saw what was coming out of me, i was in shock, i couldnt believe my eyes... blood!!
so i decided to get a bucket and get on the couch. during the night there was several toilet trips, but threw up a further 3 times in the bucket, all of them containing blood. i tried relaxing on the couch, wishing i could fall asleep. i worked out that i didnt have more than 30 minutes sleep.
this morning i called my local GP's office, who talked to me on the phone, and told me it sounds like a whole in my stomach wall had formed, hence where the blood was coming from. he surprisingly turned up at our door a couple of hours later to examine me. he prescribed me meds that people with stomach ulcers would take. vicky however, had done some homework, and it turns out that Tramadol and Trazodone do not like being taken with eachother, although no GP had told me that before giving it me. i quizzed the GP about this, and he confirmed that vicky was right. yet another let down by the NHS! needles to say i have taken myself off the Trazodone, and i am planning on going cold turkey, no pills for at least the next 24 hours. i need to let my stomach heal itself, before i go shoving pain meds down my throat.
Tuesday, 15 May 2012
i have had mine on several hours, and all day, i can honestly say, i have been sitting correctly, with less pain, and when i alter my posture out of habit, the strut inside is there to remind me to re-adjust myself. it is comfortable to walk with, i have even been driving with it on today. and after having it on for just a few hours, i can already feel an improvement with the level of pain i am in.
for the first few minutes, it felt rather strange having something attached to my back, but after about an hour, i almost forgot it was there, up until i didn't sit correctly that is.
as someone who suffers from chronic pain in the lower back area, i can easily recommend postureplast to others in my situation, assuring that it is safe for all people to use. my only recommendation, is if you have a rather hairy lower back, i would consider trimming first, as the movement and pulling of the plaster can pull hairs, just like any other plaster!
Saturday, 12 May 2012
as time goes on, the more and more i want this pain to go. it is really starting to ruin my life. i never asked for it, i never expected it, and now i have it, i want it gone as soon as humanly possible. so now the aim is, once i get a bit of money together, i will beg any surgeon in the land (or outside of the land) to fix me. i dont care who does it, i dont care what language they speak or whether they got their medical licence from a kinder egg, i want them to fix me.
i want to be able to provide for vicky and her son. i want to go back out there and get a job. i want us to get a nice house with a garden for nath (and maybe more) to play in and enjoy. am i wrong for wanting this? is it really too much to ask for?? those people out there who have no money worries, no health worries, no worries in general, i envy you, i really do!
As for now, i feel as though i must go through this alone. I feel abandoned by all of those who were meant to support me, and the few that actually wanted to. This has quite simply ruined my life, something people just don't seem to realize.
Friday, 11 May 2012
this might be considered dangerous, taking tramadol so close together, but right now i dont really have much of a choice. i need to find a way to lessen my pain, even if its just for a few hours. it gives me a little hope and something to look forward to.
i feel like im losing my mind lately. the light at the end of the tunnel doesn't seem to be getting any closer, and i am trying to keep it together, but lately, i find even the smallest of tasks frustrating, and the slightest of things that i dont like, i find myself snapping at. this is not me, this is not who i am. i miss being the old me, i just hope the old me isnt lost for good.
Monday, 7 May 2012
vicky wants me to call a doctor, but i refused. i am sick of seeing doctors and medical professionals lately, and tired of being poked and prodded.
i am still waiting for a copy of my previous MRI and reports to come through the post. once i have these i will be contacting a hospital in Cyprus to see what they think, as i have heard good stories about them. i am growing less willing to let the NHS fix me. i will let them run all the tests they want to, just means more material to send to Cyprus.
as for my fight against ATOS, i am still waiting for a date about my DLA tribunal, and have still decided to give up with the ESA. there are only so many battles you can fight at one time. i am still waiting to hear back from Eric Ollerenshaw, my local MP, who said he was going to look into the matter of all my DWP disputes. i shall be sending him more correspondences soon if i have yet to hear from him, but again, i am not holding my breath!
for all those willing to join the fight against ATOS, whether you have had a bad experience personally, or just horrified about how they are treating this counties disabled people, then please join the facebook page https://www.facebook.com/groups/AntiAtosAlliance/
Saturday, 5 May 2012
i went to the GP yesterday. told her what had been happening, did a quick exam on me to rule out any signs of infection from the Myelogram on monday, luckily, that seems all clear which is good as i really couldn't be doing with that at the moment.
this GP, a woman, the first female GP i've seen in a long time, talked alot of sense. she said that right now there is no stronger pain killers she can give me until the results of the EMG and Myelogram get sent to the neurosurgeon. she also showed me a letter from my neurosurgeon stating that there is likely to be nerve irritation or compression, even though he said to me he thought it would be unlikely. if its not nerves, then my legs have grown a separate brain all of their own!
the GP also said that Myelograms are usually done before surgery, which has given me a bit of hope. i don't want surgery, i don't like surgery, but if it fixes me, then i welcome it. i should hopefully be receiving a letter through the post in the next week or so with an appointment to see my neurosurgeon. this will be one the most important appointments in life, i just hope its the news i really need to hear.
Wednesday, 2 May 2012
i am currently split into 2 worlds. one is a fight with the NHS to get myself fixed and healthy (which to me, is priority), and the other joining a fight with other disabled people to fight against the government, the DWP, and ATOS against stripping innocent disabled people from their benefits and income, forcing them either into work, or into poverty.
i will not be voting for any party in the upcoming local elections, as all the parties seem to be as bad as the other, it would be like trying to pick the lesser of many evils. it seems all politicians want to punish the ill and reward scroungers who live their lives on job seekers allowance, not bothering to work and bleeding the country dry and preventing those who need the benefits to live. i thought it was just ATOS that needed to go, but now i realise the problem goes much deeper and higher up. they say shit flows down hill, well in this case, it flows back up, right to the top!
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
something i have learned lately is that the government has to ATOS to 'tighten the belt' when it comes to conditions needed for Employment and Support Allowance (ESA) and Disability Living Allowance (DLA). reports say that the government are stripping 92% of people on ESA, and 25% on DLA, regardless of their medical conitions.
that i why i have joined in with fellow campaigners against ATOS, here is their link @AtosStories and also with the @WelfareUnion on twitter. i hope that with joining these great campaign organisations, we can make a real difference and convince the government that not only what they are doing is morally wrong, but stripping disabled people from their income, and forcing them into work that they simply cannot do, is borderline bullying and disablism. i have set up an open facebook page for people who have been wronged by ATOS to come and share their stories and support the fight for what is right!